Surrender, feel deeply, and serve humbly as a human being
Neptune in Scorpio — Pluto in Virgo Generation.
When I feel less and not complete,
I feel lacking,
Critical,
Not worthy.
I feel imperfect
I am a phony,
I am a joke.
When I compare to others,
I feel I am cheating and not coherent,
I beat myself up.
And I want to disappear.
This happens when I compare with others,
When I fail to see my light and I project myself outwards.
Self-reliance is my thing no matter what!
Tending to my needs regardless.
When I disconnect, I beat myself up and punish myself in a corner of shame and then feel that I have to sustain it in a period of hatred and suspension that then is nourished by fear.
It becomes the monster under my bed,
The one I create with my critical mind.
I even disconnect from my body.
And surrender to the victim in me.
-Who is going to save me?
-Why in this life do I have to go it alone?
-Why is that other person getting all the support?
-What am I doing wrong?
Etc, etc.
Then I know my Pluto in Virgo in my 8th house is really on a crazy ride!
I go back to epigenetics:
What is my environment like?
What am I feeding myself, what kind of ideas are streaming?
I reconnect to my emotional body by tending to the energy I ingest both physically and emotionally
My sixth house is ruled by my Moon
And my Moon is in Scorpio next to Neptune– agh! So much water!
Therefore there is a theme… a critical theme where I dive into the imperfection and surrender to the victim side…
OR can it be it to surrender into the depths of transformation, with discernment and acceptance that, yes, to become self-reliant is my superpower?
Another theme is Neptune in Scorpio generation (from 1957ish until 1970ish) Pluto in Virgo was in sextile to Neptune in Scorpio, add to that in the mid-60s, Saturn and Chiron entered Pisces and Uranus in Virgo joined Pluto, creating an opposition, during a few years a bunch of individuals including myself (I was born during that time frame). We have a sense of purpose through service, but at times we beat ourselves up because the service becomes a sacrifice and adds to the pain already felt by not being holy!
If the person was born into a culture where Christianity was omnipresent, then a lot of shame-guilt and sacrifice became part of the conditioning. We are finally coming of age with our gray heads, (some healthy frames) and knowing about the depth of feeling. I see it as an asset (finally!)
My Neptune at 16 degrees Scorpio falls on my tenth house. I tend to be disillusioned and give in and give up.
What is the point? Especially all things related to institutions and the direction of life, accomplishments, and acknowledgments that one expects from a group of folks together in a social context: society, I would say…
I am tired of labeling myself as a weirdo, or outsider. -Hey! I am me, ok? Alright?
And I have worked so hard for my individuation- so this is ME
Neptune rules my second house of values and needs (Venus — Taurus).
This unleashes a set of mental events that can lead to self-abandonment
To raw anger, -why me?
And derails creating a set of desperate moments with monsters fighting over my Psyche.
I had one of those episodes yesterday… it was brutal. BRUTAL,
The transiting South Node of the Moon is creating a Yod with my natal Mars and Venus (3rd and 5th house).
And the moon was touching my Venus on my 5th house in Gemini
It was so intensely painful how I lost it! I had a tantrum…
-What have I done? Why am I not perfect yet?
-Why can’t I assume my responsibility of being 100% self-reliant.
-Why am I scared?
-Why do I still create codependencies?
-Oh gosh!, so much THINKING, relax! Chill! BREATHE, Monika!
I disconnected completely and allowed the fear, the emotional body to be swayed by shame, critical judgemental nonsense.
Thank G*d I allowed a friend to assist me! She offered her help and I said ‘Yeah’ although at first, I had some trepidation– (thank you dear one)
It had to do with feelings of guilt for not being perfect and the fear was the projection of not wanting to repeat a situation again over and over…
Back to center.
Pluto In Virgo- Neptune in Scorpio generation: The feeling is so deep, that we can punish ourselves for lack of perfection!
The feeling is so deep one can dissolve in either the pain or the service.
The feeling is so intense that one can’t see the separation. And when one does, it is so critical that it can destroy or attempt to kill the spirit.
It is tough.
I am of service.
I know.
That is my core.
Yet surrendering to the process and not to the outcome
Becoming of service moment by moment
In constant change,
Not as an ideal that is immovable
Discern to nurture.
Discern for choice.
Surrender to what is.
Change what needs to be transformed and the rest: just ALLOW…
And in my case self-reliance
Addicted to suffering?
Addicted to guilt?
Responding to whom and to what? Shame?
Who is my outer authority and why have I assigned power to that?
Escapism?
Delusion?
Compulsion?
Addiction?
To be human is my service
To allow imperfections is to be part of a routine that is not about labeling and receiving punishment for not being perfect, but rather to be part of the human experience.
The service is an offering, not a sacrifice
If there is no joy,
There is no service.
I close my eyes, and put my hands in a prayer position near my heart,
I am what I am and I am of service as a human experiencing this privilege called life.
I am what I am and I am of service as a human experiencing this privilege called life.
This is my eclipse’s square Saturn work, Saturn is going retrograde and Mercury turning direct this weekend. All these past 6 months are finally taking shape. And where to go now?
BE HERE NOW with clear intentions.
Now I am off to the beach, to feel the sand and swim inside Neptune’s waters.
Have a good one!
Favour and disgrace would seem equally to be feared; honour and great calamity, to be regarded as personal conditions (of the same kind).
What is meant by speaking thus of favour and disgrace? Disgrace is being in a low position (after the enjoyment of favour). The getting that (favour) leads to the apprehension (of losing it), and the losing it leads to the fear of (still greater calamity): — this is what is meant by saying that favour and disgrace would seem equally to be feared.
And what is meant by saying that honour and great calamity are to be (similarly) regarded as personal conditions? What makes me liable to great calamity is my having the body (which I call myself); if I had not the body, what great calamity could come to me?
Therefore he who would administer the kingdom, honouring it as he honours his own person, may be employed to govern it, and he who would administer it with the love which he bears to his own person may be entrusted with it.
- Laozi, DaodeJing, Chapter 13
Trans. James Legge
